If there’s one thing that our generation seem to be going mad for, it’s Zombies. We are obsessed with survival guides – techniques and strategies, with books, shows and movies about a zombie outbreak – The idea actually ignites an excitement in people, because no matter how sweet an old lady you are, you can’t deny that you would love to smash a few zombie skulls at the next pie baking festival. In fact, we’re so obsessed with the idea of slaughtering zombies, that scientists have dedicated some of their precious cancer research time into discovering these soul shattering facts about the benefits of a zombie apocalypse…
First of all, Zombies are good for the environment. Seriously. We’re talking about built in, genetic eco-friendliness. It’s recycling on a whole new level. Forget the paper shredder – you could wrap an entire book in a slice of bacon and watch that baby turn to mulch. You got a problem with sheep farts ruining the ozone? Give your local Zombie a call – he’ll remove the problem, leave nothing but a trail of fertile slush in his wake, and wont even charge for the service! A zombie apocalypse will force an improved diet upon you by making most sources of meat inaccessible, whilst fertilizing those delicious, nutritious, green leaved wonders. Do you like carrots and berries? If so, then you’re in luck.
What’s the perfect companion to a decent diet? An athletic build, housing quick reflexes and enhanced senses. Forget about your career ruts and beer guts, the zombie apocalypse will pull you up by your worn socks and personally carve you that Calvin Klein body you’ve been told you should aspire towards. You heard of that saying ‘adapt or die’? That’s basically gonna be the worlds unofficial slogan. But what’s so good about this, you ask? Well, we’re talking natural selection on cocaine. Basically all I’m sayin’ is that every god damned person left on the planet is gonna be one smokin’ hot piece of unshaven ass.
Third, zombies would do what teenagers and armchair politicians have been trying to do for decades, and they would do it with a minimalist simplicity. Sure, you could waste precious years running for your local council, writing letter after letter about your opinions on the safety of your suburb. You could host rally after protest after riot, without doing anything but earning 2 minutes of bad press on the reality-TV-celebrity channel, also known as the news channel. Sure, you could do that, or you could just let Zombies take care of your troubles. It’s estimated that with zombies present, it would only take 5-8 days for society to crumble almost entirely, and all without leaving the comfort of your own home. Don’t believe me? Then take a leaf from the terrorists to-do list and try it yourself! Bio-warfare is a thing, yo.
Last, but most definitely not least, is the sense of community. Zombies don’t judge or discriminate. In fact, the more the merrier. We could learn a lot from the Zombies about community. They stick together through cold nights, they all speak the same language, and they aren’t afraid to share a meal. Just take that horse from Season 1 of The Walking Dead, for example. Haha, that poor bastard never stood a chance…
|DJ. T is a microphone maestro – a beat blender – a smooth and tender problem mender. His shows are broadcast live from various underground stations featured in Moppers Anonymous.
To spread awareness and recruit for his cause, DJ.T will now be co-hosting occasional shows at jbestbooks.com. Stay tuned.